Guilt
by DragonOfHeaven14
Summary: He was guilty and confused of many things, and then he finally understood. kakasaku oneshot


Author's note: this is my first fanfic in AGES, so I hope it turned out alright. Any comments are welcomed.

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**Guilt**

_I am guilty of many things..._

Kakashi jumped from a tree branch to the ground, leaning against the trunk to catch his breath. The ANBU mission was failing, very fast at that. The tacticians severely underestimated the abilities of an uprising missing-nin organization that could rival Akatsuki.

He looked around, not sensing anyone around him, and pulled off his wolfhound mask to gain more air. He was beginning to grow concerned about the mission, since many men of his team were shortly met in battle and quickly slaughtered. Although he shouldn't be stopping at a time like this, he had already depleted his chakra reserves previously in battle.

_I'm guilty of only ever crying three times in my life. The first was when my father committed suicide, because I realized I was the lone existing member of the Hatake clan. The second time was when I realized I killed my own teammate because of my arrogance and stupidity - which at least got me the sharingan. I didn't cry when my sensei died, even if I looked up to him as my mentor or father; he died valiantly and with respect. The third time I cried was when my last teammate, Rin, died shortly after my sensei; she was the last person I could call family, and I realized that I was truly alone in the world. It was then that I joined ANBU, not caring what happened to me as long as I protected the village. _

He looked around, again trying to grasp a sense of anyone around him, but to no avail; he was growing more and more anxious, wondering if someone had contacted the base camp to abort the mission. They came with too few men with too unreliable information from their spies for this mission, and they paid for it.

_I am guilty of knowing the seven deadly sins all too well: lust, greed, envy, wrath, gluttony, sloth - and especially pride. I was once told by a superior that if given the chance, for anything at all - an opening in someone's defenses; someone's willingness to give information; a chance to escape from this world even if it's only for a few blissful minutes - take it with no questions asked. Shinobi are only blessed to live in the present, and should take advantage of any opportunity. _

As Kakashi began his trek through the woods towards their base, his senses picked up on something behind him. As he turned to meet his assailant, it was too late.

_I am guilty of playing God. People say it's impossible to play God... but they're wrong. I've given false hope to countless people, I've made many promises to countless people, I've killed countless people, and I've allowed life to continue for countless people. _

A warm sensation overcame Kakashi in his abdomen, and a wave of immense pain shot up his spine. Coughing up blood, only to get soaked in his cloth mask, he angled his head to meet his attacker, mismatched eyes meeting steel blue ones.

"I never expected a shinobi of your caliber to have depleted all his chakra, to not even cover his own trail." A venomous reply tickled Kakashi's ear.

"What can I say? You put up a good fight back there." He coughed up more blood as his body was rammed into a tree trunk.

The enemy flipped him over face-to-face and clutched Kakashi's throat, pinning him. "You got lucky, Copy-nin, by turning like that, I missed your stomach."

_I'm guilty of cheating death countless times, surpassing the numerous teammates I've been paired with, who deserved to live more than I. I don't know how I continue to survive when my chances of living were worse than Tsunade-sama winning a card game. But maybe - finally..._

"So this is my fate - death?" Kakashi whispered hoarsely.

"Two years ago, you killed my brother, one of my village's most prized shinobi. Konoha declared it an accident - but I don't think it was a mistake at all." He grinned maliciously, "However, since I missed your stomach, your death will surely be slow and painful - how does it look now?"

Kakashi's right hand searched his leg binding, as a grin spread across his face, visible under the blood-soaked mask. "Beautiful..." He whispered a reply as a knife slashed across his assailant's neck, releasing him from the bind against the tree.

Kakashi watched as the enemy's eyes went dull as he fell lifelessly on the ground.

"I'll see you in hell." Kakashi slid down the trunk to his knees as his vision began to fade.

"Finally... I can rest in peace... Finally, I haven't escaped death any...more." Kakashi whispered as everything began to fade.

But before he completely lost consciousness, he swore he heard in the distance a woman crying out his name.

Darkness consumed Kakashi, but a memory from a few days past emerged from the surface - perhaps triggered by the familiar woman's voice...

* * *

The sun was setting as Kakashi gave in to his aching body, and sat down in the training area. "Alright, you win today." He fell back, eyes meeting the pink and purple sky. "I can't used up all my energy today." 

"You're getting old!" A voice replied above Kakashi, as his eyes met with green ones, blocking his view of the evening's sky.

"Perhaps, but you've improved significantly over this last month." He sat back up as Sakura handed him a water bottle from her backpack.

"Because I learn from the best!" She sat next to him and drank from her own water bottle, closely watching Kakashi pull down his mask to drain his own.

His mismatched eyes met her inquisitively as he noticed her watching him in almost awe. "What is it, Sakura?"

"Nothing!" She blushed and looked away, and they sat in silence, watching the sky paint darker shades of purple and now orange.

"I'm proud of you, Sakura." Kakashi broke the silence. "You've really developed your abilities." He pulled down his forehead protector over the sharingan, and glanced over to her.

"Yeah..." She muttered as she avoided his still maskless face, to pull at the grass tickling her thighs.

"Usually when someone gives you a compliment, you say 'thank you', or..."

"Is that all I am to you - your student? Or just the Hokage's apprentice?" Sakura glared at the ground.

"Sakura?" He was unsure how to interpret her sudden outburst.

"When I asked you to train me, all you've ever really said to me was, 'Good job, Sakura' or 'Sakura, your form is off, maybe if you do this...' or 'I'll see you tomorrow, Sakura, make sure you get a good night's rest for tomorrow's training...' All things a teacher would say." A chunk of grass was uprooted in a fist.

"Well, I _am_ your teacher, aren't I?" Kakashi scratched his cheek, still noticing her avoidance.

"Yes, but..." She looked up, "Do you even see me as a woman? Do you even see me something else besides your student - a friend even? Never once have you asked, 'how are you, Sakura?'!" She felt a burning sensation in her eyes as she looked at Kakashi's still mute expression. "Can't you say something?"

"This doesn't have anything to do with me, does it? This is something about you." He watched as she grabbed her bag and hastily walked off. "Sakura?"

"Forget it, you wouldn't understand even if it hit you in the face!" She stormed away from the training field, only to crash into a tall form and hands grasping her shoulders to keep her from falling.

"You have feelings don't you?" Kakashi stepped back, not removing his hands from their place. His head cocked to the side in wonder.

"Of course I have feeling, I _am_ human!" She weakly pushed at his stomach.

"What I meant was, you have feelings for me, don't you?" His voice seemed to be teasing her.

She looked off to the side, "Well this is just great..." She laughed bitterly as she finally pulled away from him. "I knew you wouldn't understand." She stood awkwardly as arms suddenly wrapped around her shoulders. "Kakashi?"

"You're right, I don't understand. But I'm glad a beautiful woman such as yourself can pull away from this hell and connect with others."

"And you can't?" She questioned against his shoulder. "You have emotions too; aren't you human? Just because the rules state..."

"I don't know what I am anymore." He pulled away from her, and cut her off before she could answer. "I'm sorry if I upset you, Sakura."

She shook her head, confused from his answer. "I just don't understand you, that's all."

"Mm... Life's complex like that." He pulled up his mask. "Yet you find love at the strangest times... What would Gai say about that?" He smiled at her.

"First you make fun of me and say cryptic replies, then you bring up Gai-sensei?" She smiled weakly back at him. "Now I really don't understand you."

"Thought I'd try to lighten the mood." He moved behind her to pick up his bag. "I'm off on another ANBU mission tomorrow morning."

"Ah, I was about to tell you the same thing!" She stammered. "And... I don't care how you feel, but... I still..." She hesitated, "love you."

Kakashi walked over and placed a hand on top her head affectionately. "Mmm... that's a strong emotion." He looked down to her as they walked side by side. "You sure about that?"

"Yes." She looked up at him, with strength and confidence showing in her eyes. "I do."

"Then maybe I'll understand one day."

* * *

Voices flooded his surroundings, as the memory faded back into the darkness. He still couldn't see anything, but he could vaguely hear clear, familiar voices around him... 

"His kidney is severely damaged, but I think I got it under control, but I need a breathing tube!"

_Am I... dead? _

Everything faded back to black, only for him to be conscious of scattered sentences, that didn't quite make any sense to him.

"He'll be on a ventilator for a while now." He heard a shuffle of papers. "It's up to him now. We've done all we can."

Sounds of steps faded away and he felt what he assumed were tears on his hand. "Please, Kakashi, please, please don't die!"

_I survived? _

Darkness. That was all Kakashi could comprehend of his condition. As much as he tried, he couldn't move or open his eyes. However, as hard as he tried, he could only catch fragments of what was happening around him.

And then, another memory surfaced...

* * *

Kakashi was walking from his nightly trip to the memorial, only to find a familiar form sitting on the railing of the bridge. 

Shoving his hands further down his pockets, he stopped in front of Sakura. "If you sit out here any longer, you're going to freeze to death. I'm sure the Hokage will enjoy reading that death report."

He waited for her usual witty comeback, but was met with only a fierce shake of her head as she still sat shivering.

"Hey...Did you hear me?" He reached out to touch her exposed arm, to find it stone cold. "How long have you been sitting out here?"

"I...d-don't know." She weakly replied, looking at him dully.

He quickly unzipped his vest and wrapped it around her, as well as pulling off his scarf and transferring it around her neck. "We got to get you out of this cold!"

He carried her back to his apartment, and hastily placed her on his couch as he searched for some blankets.

"Of all people, I wouldn't expect a _medic-nin_ waiting for frostbite on purpose. You could've at least get it by trying to save someone." he came back to where she was and wrapped the two blankets around her.

Still noticing her silence he sighed and sat in a chair across from her. "What is with you tonight? You're not even answering me."

"Have you ever... felt like you're in the middle of some vortex, that everything around you suddenly seems to be moving in slow motion, and even though you're moving at a normal rate, you're caught up in this thing - this vortex - and you think 'Will I ever escape?' And then suddenly everything speeds up to be faster than you're going and suddenly..." She looked up, "Nothing matters anymore."

"And what sent you into this so-called 'vortex' and such profound thought?" Kakashi leaned back in his chair, still studying Sakura, engulfed by his blankets and hair all a mess.

"I..." She swallowed and looked away. "Killed an innocent child - by accident of course - on my mission." He saw tears slowly fall from her face. "I didn't mean to! I don't where he came from... and..."

"It happens...mistakes happen." He interjected calmly.

"But how can you be so nonchalant about it? He was completely _innocent_!" She looked at him with a flare of anger.

"Have I never told you when I first killed a man?" He watched as she slowly shook her head. "It's never easy the first time - on anyone." He rubbed his hands together, feeling the rough texture from years of wear.

"I became a chuunin when I was only 6, right? And because of the Hokage's warnings, I was never allowed to go on a high ranking mission until I was 9 or so. So when I was asked if I wanted to take up one, of course I gladly accepted, finally thinking I was being recognized for my abilities.

"It was an infiltration mission, and because of my small size and age, they sent me in, knowing that I'd be a lot harder to detect than any of them." Kakashi leaned back in his chair, mind recollecting the memory.

"Although my job was simple - go in, observe, get out - I couldn't help but feel like I was being watched. And while I was making my way back out, I turned the corner of a hallway and came face to face with one of the enemy shinobi." Kakashi glanced over to Sakura, seeing her still focused on him.

"I remember everything about the encounter...what he looked like, how shocked he was, even when he said, 'So Leaf is now using children to do their dirty work? What has this world come to?' - I remember it all so clearly."

"But you killed the shinobi, right?" Sakura questioned quietly.

"Mm, yes. We stood there, who knows how long, studying each other, well knowing that one of us had to die - information can't be leaked. In our fight, I found an opening in his defense - a wide opening, as if he had chosen death the moment he laid eyes on me."

Kakashi sighed and closed his eye, after no response from Sakura. "When I saw him struggle as those few nerves were still active, I vomited everything still in my stomach. I couldn't move afterwards; I was horrified of what I was - and still am - capable of doing. My team eventually found me, God knows when; I lost track of time."

"But he was a shinobi, not an innocent! I've killed shinobi before..." Sakura quickly looked away as more tears fell down her pale face.

"Look at me." Kakashi quietly commanded. "I said look at me, Sakura."

Sakura avoided his gaze, still observing the scenery around her, before finally meeting his surprisingly warm and understanding gaze. "Yes?"

"Everyone reacts differently to it; for you, it was just a matter of time, I suppose. For me, I was young and inexperienced." He cleared his throat. "Be strong and move past it, as a shinobi you shouldn't dwell in the past."

Sakura nodded, pulling the blankets against her body, "But you still walk among the land of the dead, I mean, you visit the memorial more than anyone I know." Realizing that perhaps what she said was offensive, she quickly corrected herself. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean that..."

And he only smiled sincerely. "But you're right. I should maybe listen to my own advise, huh?" He stood up and moved towards the kitchen, "Now how about some hot chocolate?"

Sakura nodded, staring at the carpet beneath her feet as she listened to Kakashi move around the kitchen. "Thank you, Kaka..."

* * *

The memory faded as Kakashi once again was brought back to the now familiar darkness. 

"-sensei, you got a letter from Naruto today." A sound of a letter opening. "I know, I know, there's a small chance that you can hear me, but I want to let you know even Naruto is thinking about you."

She cleared her throat and began reading the letter. Towards the end, he noticed change in her voice, as it began to waver.

_If only I could reach out and touch her..._

"...So when I return, you better not be dead so we can eat ramen together; you owe me anyway." A sniffle. "Love, Naruto." She gave a small chuckle. "He even put a P.S. for you, saying Jiraiya has written a new book for you, and promises that it'll be the best one yet." Sounds of papers crunched, as if she were crumbling all the paper.

"I promised I wouldn't cry anymore!" Weight crushed against his thigh, as he felt hot tears soak against the thin sheet. "I need you, Kakashi." A barely audible whisper.

He wanted to at least move his hand to touch her hair reassuringly, to let her know that as much as he wished for death, maybe he didn't want it after all.

_I think I'm beginning to understand. _

* * *

A sound of dripping water stirred him from the darkness once again, as a gentle hand touched his shoulder and a wet cloth moved across his collarbone. "It's been three months, Kakashi-sensei." 

The cloth ran down his arms, before being rinsed out again. "Will you wake up soon - tomorrow, today, next Sunday?"

Slow circles moved against his chest and his sides. "Do you even want to wake up?"

He felt himself sit up, head resting against her shoulder as her arm supported him. "I've stopped crying, finally; I'm all out of tears." Slow circles moved down his back. "I brought you back from the dead, but it looks like you still refuse to live."

He soon felt warmth from a towel as it glided across his skin. "Your health has improved, Tsunade-sama said waking is only a matter of time now." He felt his body being laid back on the bed. "But you've refused to for a month now, and I'm tired of waiting. So if you can hear me, wake up soon!"

Although her voice seemed melancholy during the conversation, as it often did when he could hear her through the darkness, it had changed now to desperation.

_I am guilty of many things..._

The darkness, it was all around him, consuming him. It was everywhere, in each direction he tried looking. He took a few steps in each direction, but it still was just as dark and consuming as the previous step.

He closed his eyes in frustration, in irritation, in mock defeat. "Sakura, I finally understand; I understand now!" Mismatched eyes flew open as he took off running through the darkness.

"I don't want to die, not anymore, not ever - I understand!"

He could see a faint light and a small figure standing there at the border between the light and dark.

The memory hit him again...

* * *

"And... I don't care how you feel, but... I still..." She hesitated, "love you." 

Kakashi walked over and placed a hand on top her head affectionately. "Mmm... that's a strong emotion." He looked down to her as they walked side by side. "You sure about that?"

"Yes." She looked up at him, with strength and confidence showing in her eyes. "I do."

"Then maybe I'll understand one day."

_

* * *

I am guilty of many things: life, death, hate, and now... _

"I understand now! Let me through!" He shouted at the blurred figure in front of him.

"Do you truly understand?" The figure questioned in a mixed gendered voice.

"Yes!" He tried touching it, only to feel his hands getting burned. "I don't want to die!"

"But didn't you want to die? Haven't you been asking for it all these years?"

His hands were being scalded now as they pressed down where the figure's shoulders were. "Yes, but I didn't understand back then!" The burning! It felt like his skin was melting, but he couldn't let go - not now.

"Please! I have to go!" His hands burned into the flesh of the blurred figure. "Let me go!" His hands moved through the chest, stopping when they neared the pumping heart.

"Do you...?"

"I do..." His hands cupped the heart.

"Understand..." It was a whisper now, no longer a shout, as his eyes cracked open to be flooded by light.

"Did I...?" She questioned as she turned back to look. "hear something?" Her eyes locked onto a squinting mismatch of red and gray.

"You're awake!" Sakura nearly tripped as she made her way back to the bed. "Kakashi, you're awake!"

He smiled at her, as he tried to sit up, only to be crushed by her weight as she hugged him.

"Sakura...You're too strong; I can't breathe!"

"I thought you were going to die!" She replied into his shoulder. "I thought I lost you!"

He smiled as he brought up his hand to run it through the short pink locks. "I thought I lost myself back there too." His voice was hoarse and almost unfamiliar to himself. "And I didn't care, y'know?"

Sakura pulled away to focus on his face. "You... wanted to die?" She sounded offended as her gaze shifted to the floor. "You wish you were dead now?"

_I am guilty of many things..._

"How long have I been in here?" He questioned as his hand moved down to touch her cheek.

"Almost 5 months now." She still refused to look at him as his thumb moved to take away the few tears she allowed to escape.

"And during those long months, I did wish for death, but y'know what?" He waited for any reply from her, only to continue to wipe away the few tears that escaped from her eyes. "Are you listening to me?"

She nodded fiercely, still refusing to look at him; her gaze was now out the window.

"Good, because I listened to you." He smiled as she finally looked at him, although with question in her eyes. "Don't you get what I'm saying?"

"Y-you could hear me?" More tears fell and she placed her hand on top of his. "You actually could hear me?"

"Not everything, but a few things." His smile widened. "So I hope you didn't say anything bad about me."

He was crushed once again as her arms flew around his neck. "I missed you so much!"

"I know, and Sakura?"

Her grip around him refused to lighten up, however, he could feel her nod against him.

"I think..." He swallowed as his arms wrapped around her waist. "I understand now." Although he couldn't see it, he could feel a smile against his neck.

_I am guilty of finally falling in love. I used to think it was a useless emotion - only something that'll get you killed; however, I was always fascinated by it. I used to wonder, how could one emotion cause so much pain and suffering, yet bring so much happiness? I think I'm beginning to understand why now, and for once, I don't feel so guilty. _


End file.
